Seven years ago today was the hardest day of my life. I think about this time more often then is probably necessary, but it will never leave me. I have never written it down. I don't know that it necessarily should be written down, but I want it written down. I want to remember how I felt, the thoughts I had, and the peace that I found! So it will be long, and it might make you cry. If you're a sympathetic crier like me, don't read it, unless you're in need of a good cry! Also know that today won't be a hard day for me. It'll be like every other day and I'll be fine. I won't think about it and dwell on it, and I can talk about it without crying. I just want this written down for today.
Seven years ago yesterday was Monday January 14
th, 2002. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I usually watched my one year old cousin Kristen everyday, but for some reason, I wasn't watching her that day. My mom headed over to Moses Lake, so I decided to tag along before I went to work that night. While we were in the Jack in the Box drive-
thru, her cell phone rings. I answer it and it's Matt. I was confused wondering how he knew I was with my mom. He was wondering if we could meet up at Les
Schwab for a second. We go over there, and he takes me inside to show me some wheels he's wanting to get for his
VW Corrado. Kinda random and after that we left. I thought it was a little strange, yet I was happy to be able to see him, since I don't usually see him on the nights I work late.
That night while I was working the late shift at good old Time Out Pizza, Matt called me wondering if he could come over after I got off. I thought it was a little weird since he never came over late, but I wasn't complaining, I just thought something was up!
When he showed up at my house, he had his parents digital camera (old school one now!) and when I hugged him, I could feel a little square something in his pocket! I was SO MAD! I always wanted it to be a surprise! Anyways, that night we got engaged. I was very happy to know I got to spend all eternity with him. He didn't do anything "special" to propose. Although he can't remember this now, he told me that he was wanting to do something special, but he felt like he should propose that night.
It was always important to me for the man I married to get my dad's blessing. I'm not sure why I felt that way anymore, but I just felt like it was something that would mean a lot to my dad. So I asked Matt if he would call my dad the next day and ask for his blessing. He said he was willing. I was so excited that he was going to do it.
That night I couldn't have been happier. I couldn't stop looking at my ring. It was huge and had to be resized, so I could only look at it. I'm sure I fell asleep with a smile on my face! I loved Matthew so much and had no doubt in my mind of his love and devotion for me!
The next morning I went up to watch Kristen, like I did everyday. I don't know why, maybe because I hate attention or that I wasn't wearing my ring, but I didn't say anything to my Uncle Alan or Aunt LaVoy about getting engaged. I took out the ring and looked at it the whole day through.
Around lunchtime, Matt called me for my dad's cell phone number. I gave it to him and I was so nervous for him. I don't know why, I guess I was excited for my dad to know. He called back a short while later and told me he had talked to him. My dad was excited for us and gave him some advise. The only thing I can remember is that he said marriage is like the country song by
Diamond Rio "Meet In The Middle". It was funny to me, because when we lived with him, he would get after us for leaving the country station on in the tractors. He always said he didn't like country, but apparently, he really did.
I wanted to call dad too, but I was embarrassed. Sounds stupid, but I just get embarrassed with the attention, so I decided to put it off until later that night.
When I was done babysitting, I went to Moses Lake. Matt and I took my ring into Lampe's to get it sized. Then I had a hair appointment. Matt had kinda played with the idea of dying his hair blue. Well I was having my hair highlighted and there was extra bleach left. The guy doing my hair, asked Matt if he wanted to do blue. He said no and I thought he was just being shy or something (ha!) so I was totally telling him he should do it, thinking he really wanted to. I guess I talked him into it, so the top of his hair was bleached out and died a really dark blue! It was awesome! While we were there, Brianne called my mom's cell (which I had that night for some reason) and told me dad had tried calling me. I was going to call him a little later.
Sometime after we left from getting our hair done, I got a phone call from my mom. She said that I needed to find Brianne and have her bring Tom (who she was dating at the time), and Matt and I to come home. Something was wrong, she didn't give details, just said to come home asap. Matt and I found Brianne and Tom at the house he stayed at. I gave Brianne the message who was concerned and left right after us. I had to get my car at Matt's house, so we started heading that way. I hadn't ate anything, and I knew if something was seriously wrong, I wouldn't be able to eat anything, so I told Matt to stop by McDonald's drive-thru first. As we were getting our food, I told him I was so very happy and I didn't want to hear any bad news. I didn't want anything to take away the joy and excitement I was having. I just couldn't stop smiling, even when I knew I was about to hear bad news.
When we got to Matt's parents to get my car, Ryan came out saying something about Brianne saying my dad was trying to call me. I told him I knew and I was just heading home. Then Cynthia came out. She said something like I needed to call home and I said my mom called and we were just going back to my house. She asked me if I knew, and I told her I didn't. She told me my dad had been in an accident. There I am, standing by Matt's car, holding my McDonald's bag getting ready to get into my car. I was stunned. I became kinda frantic. I think I just kinda said, "Okay, okay" not really knowing what to do next. I thought I could still drive home, and Cynthia told me a few times that she didn't think I should. I finally became a little more aware and just broke down in Cynthia's arms for a few minutes. Then I got back into Matt's car and we started driving back to my house, with Matt's brother Ryan, following behind us with my car.
On the long drive home, I went through stages of break down crying to stunned silence. Matt held my hand, rubbed my leg, tried comforting me the whole way back. My mind was just rolling. I knew my dad would be terribly hurt, if my mom was calling me to come back home. He was a farmer that never wore his seat belt. So I wondered how bad off he was. I wondered how long his recovery would be. How long before I could see him? I knew that Heavenly Father wouldn't take him home. Because how could he do that to our family again! He's already taken my little brother Nathan and yet again when little Jacquelyn went home to him as well. He knew that we couldn't handle another tragic lost. Right!?! Plus there we so many kids at home still. Nine kids, nine young kids. Jason, the oldest at home, only sixteen, and Kathryn the youngest only barely one. They can't be so young without their dad. I didn't want to be without my dad!! I needed him. I just got engaged, and I haven't even talked to him yet. I should have called him! Why didn't I call him?
All these thoughts rolled around in my head over and over. I really kept convincing myself that Heavenly Father wouldn't do that to our family, because we'd already lost Nathan and Jacquelyn, both in tragic accidents and it just didn't seem fair that he we do it to our family yet again. Plus, fifteen kids without their dad, Heavenly Father just wouldn't do it!
My mom called when we were just coming into town, wondering what was taking us so long. I told her we were almost there. I told her I knew what had happened, and asked her how it happened. She said we'd talk when we got there.
We pulled up
infront of my house. My
Grammie and Grandpa
Chlarson's car was there, and so was my Uncle Alan and Aunt
LaVoy's. I didn't even processes that their cars were there. Matt parked and I got out of the car and I ran to the house, while he talked with Ryan for a second. When I walked in everyone was sitting around the living room, Mom, Pop,
Grammie, Grandpa, Aunt
LaVoy, Uncle Alan and their family and Brianne and Tom. I immediately started asking questions. "Where is he? How is he? Can I see him? Is he going to be okay?" I didn't wait for a response, I just blurted it all out like that. Then I knew. Everyone just looked at me in disbelief. I swear their jaws all dropped. I had just talked to my mom minutes ago and told her I knew. Surely I knew. My mom just looked at me and told me, "He's gone,
Shaila." I was angry, I was mad. I didn't believe her, she was lying to me. I wanted out, I had to get away, I was just going to run away. I turned to go out the door and Matt came in. I just held onto him and cried. I stayed, I didn't runaway, Matt had me and he cried with me!
I was devastated, I was a wreck. I couldn't believe Heavenly Father really did this to me! I didn't want anyone but Matt, but I let everyone comfort me. I knew they need that. But all I wanted was Matt to comfort me.
A little while later, Milo and Melanie came over. Then Bishop
Bair and President Adams came over as well. They were our Bishop and Stake President at the time, and they were both good friends of the family, and of my dad's as well. We had been up at Twin Lakes with Bishop
Bair's family every summer for as long as I could remember going, and he was there when Nathan drowned nine years earlier. I was glad they came. They asked us three kids if we wanted a blessing. Of course we all did. I wanted Matt and Milo to give me mine. At that moment, I was so thankful that Matt was a worthy priesthood holder. It was amazing. I was an absolute mess, devastated, angry, betrayed, resentful, regretful, but as soon as I got that blessing, I was filled with peace. The spirit totally comforted me. I even told my mom how I wanted to sing at the funeral. She didn't think I should, but I insisted and knew what I wanted to sing.
"Greater Miracles" by
Hilary Weeks. I was just hoping Laurie would agree.
After a while, Matt went out and got Ryan. He'd been sitting in the car the whole time, an hour or more. (Kinda funny now, because how awkward would that be, and yet he just stayed out there patiently waiting. That's just how Ryan is! He's awesome!) Matt went home, I wanted to go out to my dad's house and be with my other siblings. I headed out there with Milo, Melanie and 2 month old Nathan.
It was hard to be there. My dad and step mom, Laurie, were heading down to Royal City to watch my little brother's wrestling match when they rolled their car, only 2 or 3 miles from their house. My dad wasn't wearing his seat belt, and was ejected and killed instantly. My brothers never wrestled again.
My siblings were doing pretty good. Every one of us mourned differently. Laurie was still in the hospital, with minor injuries, but they kept her there over night and gave her some stuff to get her to sleep. Milo, Mel, Nathan and I decided to stay the night. Jason apparently was hungry and made chocolate chip pancakes for everyone that wanted them. My dad always made these and I think they brought us comfort. At least for me, but I can't ever resist a chocolate chip pancake! We cried and laughed and tried being as normal as possible.
For Christmas, Santa had brought them a trampoline and set it up in the family room with the vaulted ceilings. He did the same thing when we were younger and dad thought these younger kids needed the memory as well. Nothing like a trampoline in the family room for weeks, months, whatever it was. That was taken down since there would be many people coming over. (I love the memories jumping on the trampoline in the house. How awesome it that!)
I didn't sleep much that night in the living room, talking to Melanie. I can't remember where Milo was, but I remember Nathan being the best baby ever that night!
The next morning Laurie came home. I was really nervous to see her for the first time. When she saw me, she told me that dad had called her after talking to Matt on the phone, and how excited and happy he was for me. I bawled and was so happy to hear that. I regretted not calling him, but I was so thankful that Matt had. She also asked me if I would sing at the funeral before I even asked. I was so happy to give this one last gift to my dad.
When I got back to my house that day, Matt was waiting for me with my mom. He was so sweet and had already been crying with my mom. I was so thankful that he was sensitive and loved me so much and mourned with me. He was so worried about me.
I had a job interview for the 911 dispatch center that afternoon. My Uncle Alan was a Sheriff's Deputy at the time and was friends with the director there. He had told me the night before that I didn't need to go in, that he knew they would reschedule. But I insisted. I felt like I needed to, that my dad would want me too. You just pick up and move on while you mourn, that's how he always did it.
I knew they would know about my dad, obviously, they were dispatchers. There was a panel of 4 or 5 of them that did the interview. The first thing they asked me to do, was tell them a little about myself. My first thought was how many siblings I had, and I told them and then started crying. I thought to myself how we all didn't have a dad anymore. I got control of my emotions, and did the interview. At the end they told me they were sorry for my loss and how impressed they were that I came in anyways, and they all hugged me. (I eventually got the job, just a few weeks before Matt and I got married. One of the girls that interviewed me, became one of my good friends. I eventually read all about my dad's accident. It's a dispatchers thing you just wouldn't understand. I just wanted to know!)
After the interview, Matt and I went to talk to the jeweler about my ring. I wanted it to be sized before the funeral. Matt knew a lady that worked there, and she had given him a great deal on the ring. (He had a certain amount of money in cash, so she gave him her employee discount!) She was there that day and said they would make sure they got it done. She had recently lost her only son in a car accident, so we had a crying moment together and hugged. My ring was finished the next day!
Since I was singing at the funeral, I had Nadine play the piano for me. I always loved having her play the piano for me. She's a great pianist and singer as well, so I always felt so comfortable with her. She's President Adams wife, so when I went out to practice one time, he was there as well. He told me that when he got to my house, that I seemed the most distraught out of us siblings. He was amazed at the change he saw after the blessing and how well I was still doing. It was such a comfort to hear, coming from such a great man!
The viewing was really, really hard. It was so hard to see all my sweet little siblings wondering what was going on. It was hard knowing that my dad was really gone. There were way too many of us to be without a dad. It was really hard to see Laurie break down once all the younger siblings were taken home. I never wanted to go through that and lose Matt! This will always be my biggest fear now, losing my husband.
The funeral was great. The chapel was filled and the gym was opened as well and nearly filled to the back. I was doing so well and still very comforted. I was keeping my composure so that I would be able to sing. My Uncle Wallace was doing the eulogy and made us all laugh quite a few times with stories of my dad and recounting how accident prone my dad was. I felt very comforted and thought I would be able to pull the singing off. Right at the end of the eulogy, Uncle Wallace said something about me getting engaged. I lost it there and had to really work to get my composure back since I was singing next. I ended up only crying one time while I was singing, but really did well keeping myself together. I would have done better if Uncle Wallace hadn't just made me cry!
It was so great having all the family there, despite the reason for it. I hadn't seen a lot of my cousins for years. I was so glad that everyone got to meet my fiance, blue hair and all. It was funny how many times we felt like they were hinting around if we were getting married in the temple or not. I was thankful, despite the blue hair, that I could tell them we were getting married in the temple.
I can't believe it's been seven years. In so many ways, it's gone by so fast, and in other ways, it feels like forever since I've had my dad. I don't think about it every day, but I STILL have bad days. Days when I question why he had to go, what does our family have to learn from it, what do I have to learn from it. It seems that our family has just fallen apart without him. I always wonder if that would be the case if he was still here. It's so hard without him here. Our family is all separated and spread out. We don't have a "home" to go to anymore. We don't have a parent keep us connected anymore. I don't even know if some of my younger siblings really know me or that I'm really their sister. It's hard, it's really hard.
Most days though, I DO know, that there was a reason he had to leave us. I do know that my Heavenly Father and my dad are watching out for us. I don't know all the answers of why things are the way they are, but I do have faith that they will work out the way they are suppose to. Not that that means, it's all going to be happily ever after, but I know that Heavenly Father gives a trials to strength us. I feel that I am a very strong, upbeat person for having lost so many loved ones at such a young age. I have a VERY strong testimony of eternal families. I gained that testimony the day Nathan died so many years ago. I still remember the peace that came over me that day.
I have a very confusing/mixed family with my parents, step parents and 17 siblings, and I love them all so very, very much. A few years ago I had this thought come to me very strongly. Although, my family can't be all together right now, I know that if we all live righteously and keep the commandments, that we can be together again throughout eternity. I can't wait for the day I'm reunited with my dad, Nathan and Jacquelyn. I miss them all so much! Families CAN be together forever!!
I'm so thankful to have had Matthew at that time. I'm thankful that he felt like he should propose to me when he did. I know that he was prompted to do so. (I wonder when he could have proposed if he hadn't listened!) I'm so thankful that he called my dad and got his blessing. It helps ease my regret of not calling him myself! I know having that contrast of happiness helped my sorrow and pain. I don't know how I would have survived it without him and the spirit that was with me. How grateful I am to have the
knowledge of the Gospel and eternal lives!
Some of the things I miss the most about my dad!
~Him coming out with his high school wrestling sling on to wrestle with my brothers. (Never thought I would miss that!) Okay I guess I just miss his fun and playful ways! Ha!
~Hearing his laugh!
~I miss thinking what a dork he is! (In an endearing way of course!)
~Riding the tractor with him!
~Changing the water with him! (Never thought I would miss changing water, but I do! I want to get my hands on a syphon tube!)
~Watching him slalom water ski! He was so incredibly awesome at it. I always wanted to be as good as him, but I was always scared crossing the wake!
~Calling him up just to tell him I love him and miss him!
~Sitting on his lap, and him rocking me. The last time he did that was the summer of '01 at Twin Lakes.
~Getting father's blessings from him. I didn't get them a lot, since I didn't always live with him, and I remember only a few times, but there's been plenty of times now I wish I could still ask him for one!
~One thing I wish, I wish he was here to be a grandpa to my kids. I wish my kids could go have fun on the farm with Grandpa Bushman.
Man I miss this guy! He wasn't perfect, we didn't have a perfect relationship, but he was a great dad! He had a testimony of our Saviour. He taught me strong values and was a good example of them. He was a worthy preisthood holder and was great at his callings. He was MY dad, and I love him and miss him everyday of my life! I can't wait for him to hold me and rock me again!
I just loved this cute little eyebrow raise. He has such cute expressions. I love to crawl around with him, teasing him, just to get his little face to light up! I have a sheer red curtain in the front room, so this had (still does) a really red tint to it. It was fun playing in photoshop trying to get rid of some of it.
A few weeks ago Winston got brave and learned how to crawl off things. Namely Quinn's bed that he can climb up onto. He also does it off our bed which comes mid-thigh, I'm still there to grab him if need be, but he just gets off and falls onto his bum. Here he is doing it off the couch.
I started crawling after him, he get so excited and will crawl as fast as he can with his head hung low (I'm always afraid he's going to run into something!), trying to get away from me. Then he'll stop and just giggle at me and make the cutest faces. That little face just makes me melt!
I think this picture is so adorable. Something caught his eye around the corner!
The weekend before last, we went bowling with my friend Shari and her family. Shari and I became friends since we are visiting teaching partners. It's great when you have a partner you can connect with. She has three boys too, her youngest being three. Malcolm thinks her older boys are so cool because they're "big boys"! It was the first time we got together with our families. We had a great time.
Go Quinnie!
Winston's schedule was off that day, so he didn't want to lay down for his last nap. He was so so tired. I left him in his car seat (Yes, I still carry him in his infant car seat, he's just that small! Plus, we don't have another car seat.) hoping he would go to sleep. No such luck. He was very content in there, but I was feeling guilty so I got him out. He was much easier to handle in his seat!
I love these last pictures of Malcolm's bowling moves. He cracks me up. Before we got there he kept talking about how good he is, because he's practiced on the Wii!
He's our little rock star!
