Trials

I feel like this past year and a half or two years have been never ending with busyness stress and worries. I hope that 2011 will bring some routine back in our life, because I don't know where it went.

I decided that I wanted to write about something that is very personal, as this is my blog and my only journaling that I do, although I haven't been that good at it for quite some time and always vow to be better, but can't ever find the time. I’m sure it’s long and boring if you decide to read it, but it’s for my own reflection and healing. It's felt good to get it all written down.

I've been so blessed in my life. I've had three wonderful pregnancies, deliveries and babies. I've always had an extremely easy time conceiving, we just thought about a baby and we were pregnant. But through the years I've always heard of all the problems others have. Not being able to conceive, miscarriages, hard pregnancies, preterm labor or premature babies, stillborns, difficulty or complications in delivery. Pregnancy is such a scary thing and so many things can go wrong! How naive I was the first two times, and how scared I am of all the things that could go wrong now. I've always been thankful for my ease of it all, but guilty at the same time. I wondered when it would be my turn, because certainly I had to have a turn, right.

In January we started talking about having another baby, but I wasn't able to get my IUD out until mid-February. So I started planning on when to have the baby and thought although I didn't want a December baby with all the holidays, it would be a good time if Matt happened to be in school again (as we didn't know at the time if he'd get into school). This was the first time I ever tried planning a "birthday". With Malcolm I had no clue I would get pregnant the first cycle, with Quinn I thought it wouldn't happen as fast again, like Malcolm was a fluke and thought it would take a few months, but it didn't. With Winston, although we had talked about getting pregnant "in about six months", it happened sooner unexpectedly. After three times I was finally convinced that just talking about it, we get pregnant.

Well this time, it didn't happen the first round or the second and so on. It was discouraging and worrisome since we've never had problems. I thought that maybe it had something to do with my autoimmune disease, but when I talked to my doctor, he said it shouldn't interfere with it.

June comes and Matt had to leave us in Moses Lake to start school in California, while Malcolm and I finished up with our schooling. Matt finds us an apartment and with the help of so many loved ones, I pack all our stuff and move down to So Cal too.

Being done with my schooling and the move over and reunited with my husband, I felt so much relief and finally stress free from all the months of being a full-time student and mom.

To my surprise at the end of July I find out I'm pregnant and would be due April 7th. We figure all the stress I was having from going to school was not letting me get pregnant. I was super excited since it had taken so long. I was so relieved to know that I could still get pregnant and so thankful. I even started talking boy names with Matt, as I know to just expect boys in our future. Well just a couple days later, I started lightly spotting, something I never do EVER with a pregnancy, so I knew it wasn't going to last. I was only five weeks and I felt like I just had a late period. I didn't even want to say it was a miscarriage, but I guess medically, if you had a positive pregnancy test and then bleed, they consider it one. I was disappointed and cried a little one day, but was just thankful to know my body could get pregnant still.

In August I have my normal period. Two weeks later I start having my normal pregnancy symptoms, tiredness, and tenderness. Then a couple weeks later I have a positive pregnancy test due June 7th. I couldn't believe it happened again so fast. I was so happy though. I got sick with a cold for a week and then I had this nausea that I couldn't decide if i was sick or it was pregnancy, though I'm never nauseas when I'm pregnant. I ended up being sick for about two weeks. I slept a lot and couldn't get anything done. Once I was over being sick I was still very tired and took naps most days. I felt very pregnant with my normal symptoms and of course started gaining weight sooner than I wanted. I felt fine about this one since it felt like all my other pregnancies, although I still felt more anxious from all the life experiences and knowledge of things that could go wrong.

I also started getting some weird pregnancy related things that I had with Winston too. I had this terrible back pain at my tailbone, either just to the left or right of it. I got physical therapy for it while pregnant with Winston. I would still get a twinge of it here and there after Winston, but being pregnant brought it back to feeling it every day. I also had two hernias with Winston, I first had one come and then the second came later. After I had him, they went away. This pregnancy I was already starting to feel one of the hernias coming back.

I couldn't wait to go to the doctors and have it confirmed everything was fine. I always like going in at 8 weeks, but when I called to make my appointment, my doctor was out of the office until I would be 11 weeks. Only a few more weeks to wait.

When I was about 9 weeks, after church Malcolm mentioned that it looked like I had a baby in my tummy. We still hadn't told them and I thought maybe we couldn't wait much longer. I felt very pouchy, at the stage where you just look like your gaining weight and getting fat. I was hating how early I was showing. My pants were getting uncomfortable and when home I would just unbutton them. I was hoping I could hold off growing since all my maternity clothes were back in ML and I couldn't get them until Christmas. I was wishing I could tell people I was pregnant, and not just getting fat.

At about 10 weeks I realized I wasn't feeling as tired, which was nice. I contributed it to only having a few weeks left of the first trimester. I was also continuing to grow and still very tender. I started getting excited to tell our families. We thought about going home for Christmas pregnant without telling anyone, as I would be 16 weeks and totally showing. We thought it would be funny! The more time went on though, I knew I couldn’t make it past Thanksgiving.

Matt's parents were coming to visit the day after my first appointment, and we decided we'd tell both our parents then. I started working on a fun way to tell our parents. I also started feeling like I wanted to tell my good friend and neighbor Melissa that I was pregnant, even though none of our family knew yet. When I told Matt I was feeling that way, he told me to tell her. So I ended up getting the chance to tell her and was excited to share it with someone.

I was so excited the day of my appointment. I couldn't wait to hear the heartbeat and confirmation of a growing baby. I remember with the other pregnancies how teary eyed that first time hearing the heartbeat always made me, and I was excited to feel that way again. It's such a sweet and special moment.

It was the first time ever meeting my doctor, and I thought I picked well as he was really nice and personable. When I told him about my autoimmune disease, he told me he wanted me to go to a perinatal as people with lupus (which is one of the two possibilities of which disease I have) can sometimes get blood clots in pregnancy. He said they might want me on blood thinners and until then he wanted me to take a baby aspirin every day.

 I told him how I felt a lot more anxious this time and he asked why I felt that way and I told him just from hearing all the troubles others have and wondering when it will happen to me. He told me that having three good prior pregnancies is a good sign that things will continue to be good.

My urine sample came back normal and then it came to hearing the heartbeat. Quinn and Winston were with us, and Quinn started being curious what was going on. Matt was asking him what he thought and he asked if I had a baby in my tummy. It was funny to see him trying to figure it out.

I'm not sure how it was with my other boys, but with Winston we heard his heartbeat at 8 weeks. Here I was 11 weeks, and the doctor was having a hard time finding the heartbeat. After looking for a bit, he started going up and down my stomach trying to find it. This made me nervous since with my other pregnancies it was never hard to find it. The doctor gave up trying and told me he wasn't worried, it's not uncommon not to be able to hear the heartbeat this early.

Seeing that I was concerned he told me he would do an ultrasound on their office machine, though it wasn't that great of one and he said he wasn't an ultrasound tech and not very good at it. I was thankful that he sensitive to my needs and feelings!

As he started doing the ultrasound, I thought I could see my uterus but I couldn't see anything inside. He looked for a couple minutes and said he was going to get one of the other doctors who was a lot better at it. He assured me he wasn't worried, the other was just a lot better. When the other doctor came in, she looked and told my doctor she couldn't see anything in the uterus and she would have me go get a high quality ultrasound.

I knew something was really wrong. We'd had an ultrasound on one of the same types of machines with Malcolm when I was six weeks and could see a blob in the uterus and I’m pretty sure the heartbeat as well. My doctor told me that it could just be that my dates were off and the pregnancy was just a lot sooner than I thought it was. We had to wait for the doctor to put in a referral to my insurance before I could get the ultrasound. So I left discouraged, fighting back tears and not knowing what was really going on.

Matt took us out to lunch and to run to a few stores, which I needed the distraction. Luckily he didn't have class and just stayed at home with me the rest of the day. I was pretty blue and didn't have the energy or desire to get anything done, though I needed to, as Matt's parents were coming into town the next night. Matt kept giving encouraging words, and that everything was probably going to be fine.

The next morning I woke up at 5 am, not able to sleep and my mind running a mile a minute. I finally cried a little bit and tried looking up stuff on the Internet and wondered if I had a molar pregnancy. But in a molar pregnancy you see tissue in the uterus. Finally after an hour, I fell back asleep. Matt got up and got Malcolm off to school and let me sleep. When I woke up I felt better, but told Matt I really felt like this pregnancy was over.

I was antsy all day waiting to hear about getting the ultrasound. I tried calling and got the run around. I had so much to do, and didn't get one thing done and when I’m anxious, I like to pace! Ha! I really just wanted to know what was going on, especially since Matt's parents were coming into town and I didn't want to have to be waiting around wondering while they were here.

Finally I get a phone call at 3pm from my doctor’s office saying they were able to get me an appointment at 3:30pm in Pomona, about 20 minutes away. I couldn't get ahold of Matt, and luckily my friend Melissa knew what was going on, as she had called that morning to see how my first appointment went. She was home and came right over with her little girl Ruthie. I was so thankful for Melissa and her friendship. I realized then that there was a reason I wanted to tell her about the pregnancy. I know I was prompted to do so, so that I had someone that could be there for me.

I was able to get ahold of Matt and he was able to leave class and meet me at the ultrasound place, as it was right near his school. My ultrasound tech was not very friendly. I couldn't even see the screen and the only thing she said to me during the ultrasound was, "are you sure of your last period?" "Yes" "and you haven't had any bleeding since?" "No". That gave me a clue of what she was seeing, nothing.

Matt said afterwards that my "uterus" measured 11 weeks 4 days (I was suppose to be 11w 2d), he also said there was nothing in there. Just the same as the ultrasound I got to actually see, an empty circle.

At this point I think I was more mystified then sad. How could that be so, an empty uterus that is growing, pregnancy symptoms, pants that are too tight, me feeling fat and frumpy with no real excuse to show for it. It made me feel embarrassed; like I'd tricked my body into thinking it was pregnant. It also made me feel like there was no reason to feel sad about it, there wasn't even a baby to mourn the loss of.

I wondered where do we go now, and how long would my body go on thinking it was pregnant. I didn't get to talk to my doctor that night, so I didn't know what would happen next.

I went home and although I couldn't just forget about it, I tried not to think too much. I didn't have any control over the situation. I got busy getting the house in order for Matt's parents arrival in only a few hours. I needed the distraction anyways.

As I was cleaning, Matt was picking up his parents and telling them I was pregnant, but had no fetus. It was nice to have them here for the weekend and have a distraction, or I think I would have moped around the house instead. I cried a couple times, but mostly felt that there was a reason and I just wanted to get it all figured out.

I also heard from the doctor the day following the ultrasound. He confirmed what we already knew, didn't have an answer as of why, and wanted another ultrasound done in a week, but since that was thanksgiving, the following Monday.

After a couple days, I started spotting a teeny tiny bit about every other day. My body was finally getting the message that it really wasn't pregnant. I think the mind is a powerful thing, and I wondered since I felt so pregnant with all my symptoms, I was telling myself I was pregnant and thought everything was great, so my body continued to be pregnant.

Matt's parents left, and I was sad they weren't here to distract me, and I was nervous about not having any family here when I would fully miscarry or have a d&c. I wished they could’ve stayed.

We were able to go spend thanksgiving with Matt's Mathias family at Pismo Beach for the whole weekend. We had so much fun, and I was grateful for the distraction again. I was worried about miscarrying while we were there, and thankful I was fine.

The week after thanksgiving, I started bleeding a little, still more spotting like, but different and it was every day. That Wednesday (Dec 1^st) I had my other ultrasound. Matt wasn't able to go with me, as he stayed home with the boys. I knew what they were going to find, or lack thereof, so I was fine being alone. I had the same ultrasound tech, who was way more friendly and talkative this time. Since I couldn't see the screen again, I was asking her what I was measuring and such. She told me she really wasn't supposed to tell me anything, but I already knew, I just wanted to know, the doctor doesn't tell you as much. She talked to me the whole time and answered all my questions. She even turned the screen a few times to let me look. I had an abdominal ultrasound, and then, vaginally as well. Abdominally, my sac measured 10 weeks, vaginally it measured 11 weeks. I was supposed to be 13 weeks at this point.  I didn’t realize during the last ultrasound that there was actually a pregnancy sac, there was just no fetus inside of it. I was glad my body had gotten the hint it wasn't pregnant and had stopped growing and even shrunk some. That explained why my pants weren't feeling as tight and didn't have that uncomfortable pain on my belt line. Maybe it was a mental thing too. 

By this time, it had been two weeks since I had found out I had no baby. My tenderness had started going away as well, my body was letting go, as my mind had let go. I was just anxious to have it done and over with so I didn't have to think about it anymore. I still had very minimal bleeding and didn't know how long my body would take to fully miscarry, and I just wanted a d&c to get it done.

That Thursday (day after the ultrasound) Malcolm and Quinn had doctor appointments, so I knew I'd have a chance to talk with my doctor. (He's a family doctor, so he sees our whole family. I love family doctors!) He didn’t really have to tell me what was going on, and gave me the results he got from the ultrasound. It said my results seemed suspicious of a blighted ovum. He was referring me to an OB so that we could talk about a D&C, or such.

It was so annoying to me how my insurance works down here. My doctor has to get referrals for everything. So even though it would only take a few days for the OB referral, I didn’t know if they would be able to see me right away, or it would take a while to get in. Since it was only a couple weeks until we would be leaving for Christmas break, I just felt like there was a possibility that I wouldn’t even get this taken care of before Christmas. It was so annoying, as I just wanted it done and over with and not to have to wonder over Christmas what was going on with my body.

Well Friday (Dec 3rd) I told the boys we would go get a movie for them and eat some pizza. I knew Matt would be studying pretty late having all his finals the weeks to come. I decided to get Sorcerer’s Apprentice for Matt and I and wanted to just go buy it since I had a $10 off coupon. So I reserved a movie for the boys on Redbox, and at about 5pm went off to Walmart. Of course, go figure Walmart was sold out of the movie. At least I knew it must be good, having never seen it. We walked around Walmart for a few minutes anyways. While I was there, I noticed I was really starting to cramp and it was uncomfortable. I texted Matt and told him and told him I wondered if I was going to “really” miscarry, and he asked if they were contraction like, and him saying that made me realize, they were coming and going.

I went over to Target to get Sorcerer’s Apprentice instead. I spoiled the boys’ dinner with popcorn and icees. We walked around for a few minutes, found the movie and then we walked the toy aisle for Christmas ideas. I was starting to hurt a lot more, and before we were even through all the toy aisles, I decided I needed to get home, I was hurting so bad!

We went to 7-eleven to get the movie I had reserved at Redbox. Go figure the darn thing wasn’t working. So having paid for the movie already, I called their customer service number and after a few minutes I was given two rental codes, which was great since that meant I got one free movie. Since I had told the boys we were getting the movie, I went over to Albertson’s to see if their Redbox had it. Not sure why I did so when in pain, but I did. Luckily they had it.

By this time I was hurting so terribly bad. I hurt so bad I texted my mom and told her I felt like I was in labor having these bad cramping contractions. She called me and we talked about it, and she thought maybe I should go see the doctor, but I thought I was fine for now. What would they do for me any way, besides maybe prescribing me some pain meds. As I finished driving home I was in tears I hurt so badly. Even when I labored through the night with Winston and went in to the hospital already dilated at a six, I didn’t cry, or hurt that bad. By this time, I had pretty much been out and about for 2 hours. I don’t know how it took me that long, but I guess all the running around to different places with 3 boys.

Quinn noticed me crying and asked why I was doing so. I just told him I was really sick and needed to get home. I managed to get home, and all the kids inside. I put the little mini pizzas in the oven really quick, as it was way past dinnertime, and had Malcolm get the movie started. I went to the bathroom, and still I wasn’t really bleeding at all, and I just wanted to, something to relieve the pain. I just layed in bed, curled in a ball and cried during every contraction. That was definitely what they were. It made me feel so stupid. I had no baby, and I was having contractions and felt in labor trying to get rid of this nothingness. I was contracting every 30-60 seconds and they’d last about the same amount of time. They were just one right after another with no relief. I’ve never been so miserable, and I’m sure part of it was emotionally!

I forgot about the pizzas, and luckily they just REALLY browned. I put them out to cool and layed back in my bed. I didin’t want the boys to see me hurt so bad, and I knew they were preoccupied with the movie, and the popcorn and icee had given them something in their bellies. Matt messaged me to tell me he was on his way home, and I was so glad, I needed him!

I hearsd talking in the front room and was confused until I realized Mom and Pop had skyped the boys, and I heard Malcolm tell them I was in my bed sick. My mom was telling them to get their jammies on and such. It was sweet and I wished so bad to have my mom with me!  Right then Matt came home. I was so relieved he could take care of the kids.

Matt really wanted to take me into the ER or walk-in or something. I told him to just wait a while, since I took some ibuprofen when I came home, and the pain in between the “contractions” didn’t seem quite so bad. He decided to call my doctor’s office to see if there was an on call doctor he could talk to. They called back and I told the on call what was going on. He basically said that if I was in a lot of pain and felt the need I could go to an urgent care or ER. I asked if he could just give me an Rx for the pain, but he said without an evaluation, he couldn’t. Thanks for the help!! Matt decided to call around to see if there was an urgent care even open, but it was already like 8:30 and they were all closed. I did not want to go to the ER, it’s always ridiculous and you’re always there for hours just waiting!

Around 9pm, I got up and was looking for a bill I needed to pay and had almost forgotten about. Why I thought about it in the state I was in, I don’t know. I was walking around and having to stop during every “contraction”. During one of the contractions my “water broke”. I feel stupid even saying it since I didn’t have a baby and was only 13 weeks pregnant, but that’s what it was. The sac broke, “water” gushed out, the pain stopped, and the major bleeding began.

It was such a relief to not have the pain anymore, the amount of bleeding seemed like nothing. I was just glad to be rid of the pain. I had to hang in the bathroom for an hour and a half. I know TMI, but I was going from toilet to shower the whole time. I knew the with the amount I was bleeding, there was no reason to leave.

I finally decided that I would try and go watch “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” with Matt, which I had forgotten all about. I decided to take one last shower, and while I was standing there, I started feeling a little light headed, which made me a little nervous since I was bleeding like I was. I sat down in the shower and called Matt in. I realized at that point, that I hadn’t eaten since lunch, so I had Matt grab me a roll and a juice. From my past experiences of giving plasma, (haha!), I knew when I needed juice sometimes when I was feeling faint, and the sugar would help me feel better.

Matt was contemplating taking me to the ER since I was starting to feel this way, and I was still bleeding so much.  After eating the roll and drinking the juice, and still sitting in the tub, I started feeling like I was going to pass out. Everything started going black and everything started sounding distant and like it was echoing, only really able to hear myself. I was telling Matt I was going to pass out, I think I kept saying I was gone, and then I started throwing up as well. It was the worst feeling and very scary, and if I felt if I fully passed out, I was afraid I wouldn’t wake back up for a while. Dramatic, but that’s what I was thinking.

It scared Matt enough that he called 911, and I could distantly hear him talking to them, even though he was in the bathroom with me. I started coming back out from almost passing out, and never did pass out all the way. It’s embarrassing now, but then I didn’t care and was afraid to get up and walk, thinking I would pass out for sure. The paramedics got me in the ambulance and gave me an IV to give me anti-nausea medication. The paramedic was so nice and caring, even with me sitting in only my bathrobe and boots! Ha! I started feeling so much better right away and on the way to the ER, I started feeling stupid for being there. I felt stupid that Matt had called 911, but who knows if I would have felt better without that medication.

Matt tried getting a hold of my friend Melissa, and when she didn’t answer, he called his cousin Jeanine to see if someone could come stay with the boys, and she was having her husband come. Melissa did call Matt back and was able to come to the house, while Jeanine’s husband Steve met us at the hospital instead, so I could get a blessing. I was so thankful to have all of them at this time.

The ER was so busy and by the time I got there, I felt fine. We ended up there for three and a half hours, and that was basically all waiting. When I first saw the PA that saw me, she acted like she was just going to send me home right away, until she asked me what was going on. I don’t think the communication was very good there, and when she heard all that I had going on, she wanted to take blood and examine me. I felt like the care I got from the paramedics was so much better, but then you have like 8 of them only caring for you!

The PA said my cervix had closed and that there was very minimal bleeding. The almost fainting episode must have been the last of the heavy bleeding. I felt so stupid that I had an ambulance and then was in the ER. I’m glad the worst of it was over, and the healing could begin. I felt so bad that Melissa had to sleep on my couch until 2:30am, but I was so thankful to have her as a friend and all her help through this.

The next week I had to take it easy. The next day I was sore, physically, probably from all the contractions. Of course I was also very tired, but that was also due to going to bed at 4 am and having kids that wake you up. I was quite tired for several days though. I couldn’t get up and do much, as the bleeding would get worse and I would pass more stuff. I hated that I felt like I had to treat myself like I had just had a baby, when I hadn’t, especially since I was so early. I really wished I had my mom and mother-in-law with me.

Emotionally I feel like I’ve been pretty good. I’ve cried here and there, and had a few down days, but I’m just glad that it’s over. I feel really sad and teary sometimes when I think of how far I should be, like this week I should have been 15 weeks, and I wonder when I’ll stop counting. I’m sure the baby center weekly email reminders don’t help that! Ha! I hear all the time of people who are pregnant, and I compare their due dates to what mine should have been. I also had a good cry the other night on the rare occasion that I got to rock Winston to sleep. I wonder if he’ll be my last baby, and I don’t get my own little newborn again. I don’t want him to grow up!

All in all, I’m so thankful that things are fine for now. I’m thankful that if anything would have been wrong with this baby, that my body recognized it now and ended it early. I’m so thankful for my three beautiful boys, for the ease of pregnancy, labor and delivery with them. I’m so thankful to be a mom, even if I’m not the most perfect of moms. I’m also thankful that this all went down when it did, that it happened when Matt was with me, and not when he had to be at school. I’m also so thankful for his love for me and his support and understanding through this.

From here my doctor wants me to see a perinatal doctor, and to get back to a Rheumatologist for my auto-immune disease. We don’t know if it has anything to do with my disease, but my doctor would like to figure out what’s going on, before I try again. Of course he left the decision up to me if I wanted to hold off trying again, and I decided I wanted to look into it more, and go back on birth control until we can get answers as to why I’ve been having problems. I don’t want this to happen again.

I know there are reasons for everything, and if right now is not the right time for another spirit to come to our family, I’ll wait. It’s hard wondering if maybe we aren’t supposed to have any more, but I don’t feel done.  I’m just thankful that nothing worse has happened to me in life and for all the blessing I have! I'm thankful for my knowledge of the Gospel, for the comfort I get from priesthood blessings and for the comfort I get through prayer. I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and this trial is for my own growth, to make me a stronger person. Just like every trial I have, I'm thankful for the stronger person it makes me!

I still wonder why this has happened, and I wonder why I never knew a miscarriage could be like this. Why don’t women talk about this much? I know that every miscarriage is different, especially at the stage you do miscarry, but I had no clue my body would go into labor like symptoms to have the miscarriage. Why did my body keep growing and think it was pregnant, when I didn’t even have a baby anymore?