10 Months Old!!!!

Another month has gone by way too fast! I can not believe in two short months, my sweet boy will be one! WHAT!?! I'm already missing the baby stage, before it's even gone. He doesn't seem that old though since he's so small. (Not that 10 months is old!) We had a WIC appt today. I don't always trust their measurements, I don't know why, but here they are anyways. He weighed in at 18lbs 4 oz, 10% and was 28 inches in length, 25%. He's my little guy!!

~ He's crawling everywhere and pulling himself up everywhere and pulling things out everywhere.

~ He's started crinkling his nose all the time and it's so precious!

~ He loves his brothers so much! He wants to be with them all the time and will follow them around. If they are sleeping and he's up, he will crawl to their door and bang on it. Sometimes they get tired of him destroying their toys and will shut him out of their room.

~ He loves playing hide and seek with Malcolm. Malcolm will get him laughing so hard doing it. I love to watch them interact.

~ He wants all food. I can't eat anything without him begging for some. He's eating a bigger variety of food then the other boys did. I still mostly feed him baby food, but he's really liked the table food we've given him. Spaghetti, ramen noodles, french fries, daddy's potatoes, rolls. That's all I can think of. We just let him have a little bit, enough to keep him content.

~ Still only has his two bottom teeth, and I'm not looking forward to the teething to come.

~ Got his first bloody nose when he pulled my folding chair/computer chair, down on himself. He had a nice bruise on his forehead from it too.
Here's one of his crinkly nose looks. Oh I love his sweet, silly face!
Of course the sun has only shown itself one day in the last week. So I had to do the thing I hate most to get some 10 month pictures of him...use my flash! I'm not happy about that!

This shows his eyebrow dimples that I hear he inherits from his Auntie Laura. Aren't they the cutest thing ever!?!
Another crinkly nose look.
This picture is really blurry, but it's a great picture of his full nose crinkle! That is the CUTEST face EVER!!
Playing his pat-a-cake with his brothers.
He LOVES his daddy! When Matt comes home and Winston hears him. He waits anxiously for Matt to talk to him. Matt's totally cheesing it here. I love him!
The boys wanted a picture with Winston, but Winston had other plans in mind. I love how Quinn's cracking up and Malcolm is giving me his cute smile.
That's a little better. We were about to leave to do some shopping and Matt had just combed the boys' hair. That's why Quinn's shirt is so wet. He's been really picky about his hairstyle lately. He really likes this slicked look, but can't have a hair out of place.
My last 10 months, which I would be more then happy for you to skip! I just need it written all down for me! I've been contemplating whether to blog about this or not, but I think I will. Maybe it will explain somethings to some people. I'm a little nervous to share it all though. It's very personal, so please don't judge me! ;)

After all my boys I have the baby blues for like a day. You know, I'm so happy but yet I'm crying, day! Well when Winston was about three months, give or take some, I started having a really hard time. I was easily frustrated, depressed, angry, annoyed, stressed and so on. I didn't want to talk to anyone or socialize. I just wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself and cry, locked in my room by myself. I made myself get out though. I didn't want anybody to know I felt that way, heaven forbid!! I didn't talk to anyone about the way I felt, besides Matt, of course. I couldn't even keep up with my house. That's huge, if you know me. I hate living in clutter and disarray, and I know that living that way didn't help my mood at all. I just couldn't get the energy to pick myself up and do it. I would rather sleep and not think, or read a book or read blogs and escape my reality. I didn't even want to blog or any other "hobby" really. Besides taking pictures, maybe it was my therapy! Oh, and I didn't even want to go to church. I just didn't want to go and sit there and pretend I was happy, when I felt so sad. I did force myself to go, but there was a time or two I couldn't muster up the energy! (It's really hard for me to admit all of this stuff!)

I felt like a failure, like such a bad mom. Malcolm and Quinn would make me so angry, it scared me that I could feel that way. (I hated that! Although I NEVER felt frustrated with Winston and he was my comfort a lot of the time. He was such a great baby.) I didn't feel like I was meant to have kids...especially anymore then three. Which made me really sad, because I want more! At first I just kept hoping it would go away, but it just didn't. I finally googled postpartum depression...and I pretty much had a lot of the symptoms, but I had a hard time admitting it to myself. I mean, if it was that, wouldn't I have felt that way right away, not months after!

Matt threatened me several times , on my bad days, that he was just going to take me to the doctors. He even tried calling my doctors cell phone one night, and another night as we ran errands started driving to the walk in clinic. I had to beg him not to go and I would talk to the doctor at Winston's next check up. I just couldn't get past my pride and admit to my doctor that I maybe needed help. I finally talked to my mom, probably even cried to her knowing me. She insisted I get help as well, and tried making me promise I would call the doctor. I still didn't! (I'm terrible, huh!?!)

At Winston's six month check up, I finally worked up the courage to tell my doctor I wasn't myself. I was feeling a tiny bit better by then, so I felt ridiculous telling him. I made excuses, like, now I have three, I hear number three is always the hardest, and other things. He said it sounded like I probably had postpartum depression and gave me some pills to try. Well a week later, my milk supply started going away. So I called my doctor and he said it could be the pills, although that's not typical. I stopped taking them and started using fenugreek and got my milk supply back up.

I still had a really hard time though. I had SO many bad days. Matt would just pick up my slack and do EVERYTHING. He would hold me and try to figure out why I was so sad, but I never knew why, of course. (Seriously, what woman ever does! Ha!) The funny thing is, when we went home to see our parents, I generally would feel fine. I felt happy and relaxed most of the time. Maybe it was getting away from all MY responsibilities and others were there to help watch the kids.

I never tried anti depressants again. I wasn't ready to give up nursing and lose my milk supply. I know I should have, but again it was probably my pride getting in my way. Thinking I can own and conquer on my own. (I never knew I was so prideful before!!) Both Matt and my mom tried telling me to try them again, that nursing wasn't more important then me, but I didn't want to stop nursing!

Finally this last month I feel like myself again! Woohoo!!!! I can keep up with my house and laundry. I have more of a routine again. I'm a happy person again. I've pulled out my sewing machine and did some sewing. I've been WAY more patient with the boys. I don't snap back at Matt all the time. I don't cry all the time. I don't take naps all the time. (Okay, a few here and there) I actually have ENERGY! So much easier to get things accomplished when I have all this energy. I still feel a little anti-social though, but what can you do when you have a baby taking naps all the time. I'm a nap nazi, and it stresses me out for my babies to get out of their routine. Routines help my babies and myself, I can't mess with it too much! I actually want to get up in the morning and start my to do's. (Okay, maybe want is too strong of a word!) But, all in all, I feel happy!! I laugh more again!

Sorry to all my friends and family that I haven't been myself. I hope I haven't hurt anyone along the way, and I hope maybe you can understand why I've been different. (If you could tell, maybe I'm just too self conscious!) Sorry that I've never talked about it either. I don't like attention, especially face to face. It's much easier over the phone or even better, blogging! Ha! I love you all though!

I hope that next time I don't have to go through this again. It scares me to think it could happen again. (It's really weird that I never felt this way with the first two!) I just hope that if it does happen, I can remember how it was this time around. That I can ask for help and get help! (Oh that's a hard one for me!!)

I'm thankful to be myself again. I'm so thankful to Matthew and the wonderful husband he is to put up with me and help me feel better. He never got angry with me or made me feel bad about being so depressed and unproductive. He just always did what had to be done. I love him more for the way he's treated me during this time. He's a wonderful husband, who truly loves me!