Rambling Thoughts

So I don't think about this a ton, let it get me down, or dwell on it much, but the last couple days I've been thinking a lot about my last miscarriage and the could have beens. It's probably a combination of things that has me really thinking about it.

It doesn't help when I go to my junk mail, which is basically only to delete it all, and I see my email from babycenter.com telling me how far along I'm suppose to be. I would have been 26 weeks today. We could have known the sex by now, I would definitely be huge and feeling lots of baby movement. It's crazy to think I would have only had 14 weeks left. Weird. I also really can't imagine being huge and prego, but I'm quite glad I'm not feeling gross and fat.

I was also looking at my blog and came across my post of going into the hospital to deliver Winston. I know some would hate me to say this, but I LOVE delivery. I really do. I was scared to death when I went in with Malcolm but right after it was all said and done, I couldn't wait to do it again. I guess that's why we had Quinn so close. I didn't feel that way after I had Quinn, but did again after having Winston. I love the anticipation of seeing that sweet new baby, holding it for the first time, their smell. I love the whole delivery process, and of course I can say that right now not having gone through it for 3 years. I love sitting and just holding that baby in the hospital with nothing else to do but just stare in awe at all it's little features. I love going home with them in a carseat that looks way too huge. I also love the adrenaline high I'm on when I get home. I love feeding that baby and waking up with it at night. The best part of all, is the tremendous love that you feel for them, and how your love grows and expands with each child. I do wish I was going to be doing this in a few months. I do but, at the same time I can't imagine it.

I have a sister in law that is prego too that's 16 weeks, and it made me think how I would have been 10 weeks further then her and there would have been cousins close together, which is always so much fun. I was also thinking how 16 weeks is really a good chunk of the pregnancy, and I miscarried at 13.5 weeks. It's just crazy to me that I basically went through a whole trimester of thinking I was pregnant.

It's been frustrating the weight I gained during it. I hated how I had gained so fast already when I was pregnant, and it hasn't just come off like when I've carried full term. Now more then ever I think nursing has helped me lose some of my weight. I'm trying to get myself in a good groove again and get back in shape. I had a good system going before I had Winston and I want to be back at that point. I was a little disappointed when I got pregnant with Winston that I was going to lose all that I had worked so hard for, just because I was wanting to enjoy it for a few more months. I want to get back to that point.

This is all just so random and me just writing, but it makes me feel better to "say it out loud". I have to know it's okay to feel this way sometimes. It's really not something I think about everyday anymore. It doesn't make me sad to think about, I mean there are occasions, like today, that I feel a little emotional and wish it would have been different.

I still think that I have great pregnancies. I was so blessed with my easy and enjoyable pregnancies and easy deliveries and basically no recovery. But I can't say that I have good pregnancies anymore. I don't know what I have now. I don't even know, right now, if I'll have another pregnancy.

That's what kills me is the not knowing. I wish I knew what would happen if I got pregnant again. I hate having to wait at least another 3+ months for answers. We've been trying for a year now and I never knew it would ever have to try. I've always been blessed, too blessed, with getting pregnant right away. At the same time, I'm not even sure if we should have another baby anymore. I've never felt done since Winston, but I just don't know anymore. I guess I'm scared.

I know there's a purpose in all this. I wonder if it's purpose is for my health to be looked into further, who knows. I look at it all though and know that it wasn't the best time for another little one to join our family. We're probably going to be moving around when I was due. It would have been difficult, but had it worked out, we would have worked around it. We did move off to college 4 weeks after Quinn was born. It is easier knowing we won't be juggling a newborn during that time. But I'll still think about and wish we were doing it.

The not knowing anything is the hardest part and the thinking of what could have beens is hard too. I'm so grateful for the three sweet boys I have and the easy time we had getting them here. We were so blessed. I'm thankful for the comfort I've received through this and that it hasn't been hard for me to deal with. We all just have those days of questions left unanswered and questioning them why. It's not a bad thing. Reflection helps us grow.